child at heart

So its come to the time where I need some advice, guidance and mostly prayer. I’ve found myself in a weird situation recently. Lord let me just say that it involved boys…. Crazy tricky subject that that may be. Let me preface this by saying I’ve had 2 serious boyfriends in my life, and I honestly loved them both. I even talked about marriage with one of them (huge mistake at 16) It was hard when they both left me and I’m thankful that I’m not with either of them, and God really showed me what I need and desire in a future mate through those heartaches. The last relationship I had was 4 years ago (wow, I didn’t realize it had been that long) and sadly we don’t even have a friendship with one another, and as much as I desire a boyfriend/husband I do want my next relationship to be serious, more like courting. I have NO desire to date just to date and only plan on “seeing” someone with the intent of marriage. I’m serious about my heart and my emotional/physical purity and I’m tired of playing the worlds stupid retarded meaningless dating games.

With that being said – over this past year I have slowly had my eyes opened and my interest piqued in two guys. I’m not “in love” with either of them, more intrigued and curious? I think that’s about right. They are both precious and strong Godly men. I absolutely love the devotion they have for God and the strongness of their personal faith. They have both shown me years of friendship and I cherish those times with them. I’ve laughed with both of them, and vented and cried and prayed for them and asked them for prayer. We’ve done stupid things and we’ve done some serious things together for some of our mutual friends. I think the relationships they have with their siblings, mothers and elders are amazing. Its very humbling to see my flaws and selfishness through them. I don’t really know what the deal is, cause they are both like brothers to me and it would be kinda weird if something happened between us – but I can’t help but have this fascination for them. Its honestly very confusing. Especially being a girl! We are to sit back and wait and not be the leader in a relationship. Which, let me just be honest and say, is frustrating to no end. Can’t a girl get some attention!! Jk, ignore that – I’m not like that at all.

Anyway, I don’t know what I’m asking from you people. Advice? Words of guidance? Your weird awkward stuck in a strange situation tale also? To make things not strange, and to not bring unwanted attention to the boys I will not be putting their real names on here, especially since they are my friends on facebook. Who knows, maybe I’m just over reacting, maybe its something real, maybe they are just good friends, or it could be a gas bubble. I don’t know. Pray for me? And with me? And about the boys?