child at heart

I have been blessed with the best-est girlfriend (just a friendship) anyone could ask for. Jacky from church is so sweet, understanding, mature and fun! And it helps that she is only 6 months older than me. I’m not quite sure I have had such deep philosophical and emotional conversations in a long time. I feel like its OK to share the pain I have felt in my life and how the Lord has worked through them to make me to who I am today. 

Yesterday we went out to lunch and a movie and made a half a day of it, it was great. We talked about her family, upbringing, struggles and her marriage. We talked about my past relationships, issues I am still working through, pain that can still haunt me sometime and then funny things I think about, like my dreams about dating and marrying a 40 year old man from our church! HA-HA! (which she is rooting for that dream to work out in real life though, NOT FUNNY JACKY) We talked about so much it made me head spin; like our views on racism in the world we live on, our struggles with flirting and whether or not it is God honoring or hurting my witness. But in all seriousness she helped me yesterday think some things through and turn them all over to the Lord.

As if we weren’t immature enough and acting like children we then decided to go to Dilliards and try on puffy dresses just for fun… hilarious!! We looked like kids who played around in our mothers closest! It was SO much fun, then we went to see ‘Enchanted’ and laughed like we were 5 years old throughout the whole movie. I know everyone else in that theatre must have thought we were high or drunk on something. This is going to come out weird but when we get together its so much fun, its like we have been friends our whole life, but we can be serious and “grown up” at the same time.

Many people who know me know my struggles of not getting along with girls and know how much of an answered prayer this is for me. Both Jacky and myself get along a lot better with boys, which is why we don’t have many girlfriends but I thank the Lord he has put her in my life. I know, Lord willing, we are going to have a great friendship and I pray the Lord does so much with our lives together… plus its pretty awesome that my brother has such a respect for her husband Darren which could be a great advantage for growth in his life.

On a more serious note I have a serious question I need some guidance on. There is a 40 year old man from my church that I look up to and have a respect for, but I fear it is becoming something more and I do not think its a good thing for me, a 20 year old child. My mother says she has seen the two of us flirting with each other but I do not notice, I mean I talk to him and ask him how he is and I occasionally give him a hug but did not think I was flirting… and if my mom notices things like that I am scared of other people noticing and thinking the wrong thing about our friendship. My mom thinks because of how he has been acting with me that he might have feelings for me but would never make a move because of the drastic age difference, if that is true how do I guard his heart, my integrity and our friendship from any emotional compromise or leading him on unintentionally.

I very much would not pursue anything on this situation unless the Lord made it very clear to me that I was supposed to but right now he is not, he has just given us a great friendship and I do love him IN CHRIST as an elder to me and as a brother IN CHRIST. How do I control myself and my actions?, desires?, thoughts?, words? in this situation so that it is God honoring and will not destroy our friendship or cause a “scandle” in our church? ANY comments and feedback is VERY MUCH desired! LAY IT ON ME PLEASE!