child at heart

I seem to be extremely emotional this week about a ton of stuff. I feel like I could cry at the drop of a hat lately. I also feel really disconnected. I don’t know if it is the move, or this birth control I’m on messing with my hormones. It could be both. Or the fact that no one in my family wants to talk about the fact that I’m moving in 50 days because they don’t want to think about it. I feel confused. But I’m not a fan. I don’t want to go into detail on the WWW about all the million things I’m feeling and thinking right now.

I do have a lot of questions, and what ifs and a lot of doubts lately. I wonder if I’m making the right choice. Am I ready? How am I going to leave these people behind? Am I really supposed to be doing this? I’m not ready to move. Am I faithful enough to be going? Who am I? What could I ever teach to any of these children? Was this really God moving me or just me wanting this? How am I going to handle another culture? I am so selfish.

On that note, April told me this morning that her and E are leaving next week. Back story: Simon, April and E were supposed to be going to China this summer to visit family. Simon ended up having emergency back surgery last month and will not be able to go on the trip since he has not had a full recovery. Because of that April and E are leaving from Montgomery to go to China for 2 months meaning I won’t see them again before I leave. And I’m not ready for that. I will see and watch G up until the week before I leave, and I honestly expected more time with E since they were originally not going to leave until 2 weeks before me.

I feel conflicted. Simon’s parents have never seen E, and April’s parents have not seen her since she was 6 months old (she will be 2 in August) so I am incredibly happy for them! And the girls will have 2 months together. And Simon can have plenty of time alone so he can have more recovery time and teach his summer classes. I just honestly was not ready to say good-bye yet to the kids and their families.

So, I am even more emotional now.