child at heart

Last night was a hard night for me. Rather all yesterday I just felt down, and it was nothing that I could really change. Just one of those down-in-your-mental-health-feeling-super-emotional kind of days. I know the reasons why and I’m choosing not to go into great detail about it. It’s just not that time for me yet. But all day I felt completely unworthy of love and just lame to be honest. It’s really hard to verbally explain the things that go through my head on these days. I’m not really sure why I’m even writing a post about this other than the fact that I just simply need to get it out of my head because I don’t want to think about it anymore. I desperately want to be and feel loved. I know I am in my head, by my parents, and joey and a few close friends – but in my heart sometimes I have a hard time feeling it. See, 8 years ago someone took something from me. He took my feelings of love, and worth, and my mental image of who I would be and what I would be worth later on in my life. Some days, like yesterday, I have a hard time feeling like I am loved, or even like I’m worth being loved. Like I said, in my head I know who I am; a child in Christ. Covered in a love I will never lose, given only to me through the grace of my Father. But in my heart and my emotion I feel small, and gross, and worthless like that day so long ago. Sometimes I just feel like all the things he told me are actually true. And I know they are not. It’s a complicated road to be on. It’s a battle I know I will have for years to come.

Nothing has prompted this. No one said anything mean or hurtful or cruel. I was just thinking about happiness and that thought from he deceiver came into the back of my head again. The thought that I am not deserving of true happiness, and I know its wrong but sometimes it’s just so hard to fight off. I say all this and open up about myself just a little because we came to church last night and sang this song, I’m not going to lie. I didn’t really pay much attention to the sermon because I was thinking so much about the truth and the depth of this song, and what it means to God’s children. And how it’s so very precious, wholly and to the core to people like me.

“It Was Love”

It was love that brought You from above, To walk upon the earth / And love that caused Your weariness, Your hunger and Your thirst / It was love that caused You to be tried and tempted by the foe / And love that brought the nails and cross / And love that bought my soul.

How wonderful Your love, the mystery of mysteries / Filling up my heart, more glorious than I know / How wonderful Your love, there’s nothing else so sweet to me / I’ll never be apart from the Lover of my soul, From the Lover of my soul.

Your love is filled with holiness, O Spirit, fan this flame / Your love will never cease or cool, Your love will never change / O let me see Your love for me, around me everywhere / The shining sun, a gentle rain, remind me of Your care.

How wonderful Your love, the mystery of mysteries / Filling up my heart, more glorious than I know / How wonderful Your love, there’s nothing else so sweet to me / I’ll never be apart from the Lover of my soul, From the Lover of my soul.

How exceptionally beautiful. What an amazing promise I have. How comforting to me, even more on days like today. Happiness is such a fleeting emotion. I was talking to my dad about that just the other day. We decided to keep brown dog; I was happy. I go great news from my uncle: I was happy. I played with the children in children’s music tonight: I was happy. But I was reminded of my past: that made me miserable, and sad, and depressed. Just one simple, solitary thought took all that great emotion from right under my feet. I’ve slowly learned not to trust happiness because with one simple action it’s gone and you forget all you felt just moments before. I however listen to this song and its deep truth gives me legitimate joy and hope and ultimately peace. What a fantastic song that can remind us of the true reason to be filled with happy emotion.