child at heart

You know sunday started out a good day and then ended a bad day… And I don’t even know honestly why I got so upset. I think it was just the last thing that spilled everything over the edge for me. I spent some time with some friends out at asf and we fed the ducks. It was beautiful outside. The ducks were funny to look at, and even more fun to chase. The weather was perfect. And the laughter was flowing so natural. But it was hard, because there was a serious conversation thrown into the day. Everything needed to be said – and I completely understand the concerns that were brought up. And I respect your reservations.

But do you ever feel like the world knows when you completely feel like wtf? And do you feel like it says in that exact moment that it should kick you while you are down? Stomp on you? Turn you into a grease spot on the grass? Make you feel even less worthy than the worm you are? Take away your happiness and attempt to steal away your God given joy? Nope, just me?! Well awesome then.

I’m about to be completely honest with you right now, and I could care less what you think of me but I need to say it (or type it) out loud because I desperately want the Lord to break me and fix me into a better person through it. I struggle with being 23 and single. All my friends are married or getting to that point. I am happy for all my engaged or newly married friends but sometimes i cant stomach reading all about it because it upsets me. Several have a kid or are on their 2nd and 3rd. I want to be the mom I believe God has set apart to be. I want to move out of my parents house because I’m tired of hanging at your house and then going back to my cramped little bedroom. I want my life to begin…. Or rather a new stage called bella-finally-grew-up-and-became-something-decent lifestage. I want to be content with where I am at this moment and say yes, I’m happy and truly mean it. I have all these dreams and desires that have been in me for years and its hard when I see everyone around me doing all those amazing things, and here I am. Just the same as I was 5 years ago. Its just hard.

But by far out of all those things, and the many more I didn’t list, I struggle with singleness the most. Its hard. Culturally in a nation of teen parents, divorces and young marriages, you can get real bogged down with feeling like your worth only comes with that wedding band. Even in the church I’ve been…. not shunned but questioned countless times about why I’m NOT dating anyone. Here is the answer – I have no clue. I pray about finding the man God has for me, and Lord knows I’ve even tried honestly praying that if He is not calling me to be married that I will even be content with that. I’ve been met with more weird glares and double meaning questions from my peers in the church than outside of it. I mean let’s be honest, who are you to make any assumptions about me based on my marital status? I know you don’t mean to belittle me and point out my singleness in a group of other people, but your question asking does in fact do that, which in turns points out to me again the fact that I am still single. It’s hard when I go to work and my manager points out (which for some reason he does EVERY shift) that I am the only person on staff that isnt married or dating someone. Having our devo prayers with his added “Lord please bring bella a man into her life” might come from a true and decent desire to help me out but its not, and its kind of innapropriate.

On that same note, it just stinks when I may or may not feel interested in someone but your assumptions and judgments of me shut down that avenue before it even opens. Yes I’m loud and opinionated. Yes, I didnt grow up in a church and I am still learning how I am supposed to be on a daily basis. I do have some issues that I am still trying to work out. I do have tattoos, I like tim burton and my brother and I have unique personalities and sense of humors. I get it, I’m different. You are not the first person to point it out. I’m not a girly girl and I’m not a cookie cutter, but I am bella. 100% honest through and through. And I’m working on becoming an improved person. I want to be submissive and quiet. I pray DAILY that the Lord will help me to become now, in my spirit, the quiet and submissive woman I should be in a marriage relationship. I want to follow those who have been put in leadership around me. I want to wear make up and dresses and do my hair, and slowly I’m becoming more like that. But because I’m not there and not exactly what you would expect me to be – please don’t look at me differently. Instead, how about you actually take the time to get to know me on a more personal level. How about that? Then you can decide who I am and who I am not.

Of course all of this is being said for a specific reason but I refuse to talk about it here. The specifics are innapropriate and I dont want to loose friends over this…. I just need it to be said, and I need you to read it and seriously consider watching what you say to the people around you who are different. I am so thankful for my friend Alaura who listened to me cry to her on the phone like a blubbering fool last night because I was very hurt about this whole thing. Joey and I are different, and it helps us relate to a ton of different people. It’s opened doors for me to be honest and real and help other people out in so many different ways. My father said last night that sometimes marching to your own drum is just as much a curse as a blessing…. and its true. And it does hurt. And sometimes it’s not fair. I think its beautiful though that the Lord has a church full of broken and different people, and I pray out church becomes even more like one of those churches. BUT until it does become a norm, please dont be so hesitant to get to know the different people.