child at heart

This week at school is finals week… and thank you God for that. This semester has not been kind and I have been counting down the days to when the stupid thing would be over. Then I can say I only have 2 semesters left until graduation! There is so much excitement behind that exclamation point that I could put 20 and my emotions still would not be fully conveyed.

I wrote a blog post over Thanksgiving and put it on my jump drive and the computer I am at right now cannot open the newer version of Word so I cannot post it yet…. so when I finally do it will be like 3 weeks old. Whatev.

I felt a rush of excitement when I met someone new from church this past month, but the excitement is not really there like it once was. Maybe because my motives have changed since I met the guy and I really just want to be his friend and I do not want to expect anything or act like a dufus (yes I know to late) and ruin any chance of even a friendship with the guy. I don’t know, but I am ok with it to be honest.  He seems really nice, and he is spiritually strong but other than that I do not really know much about him, other than the fact that we have alot of mutual friends. Once again, maybe because I am finally ok in my singleness and I am doing more things to meet new people so I don’t feel so hopeless and desperate I can finally look at a guy and just want a friendship. My brother however is having a field day with the fact that I “like” someone and he will not let me hear the end of it.

Anyways I feel like I have finally crawled out of the hole I was stuck in for some time, and it is so exciting for me. I feel like I can actually breathe now! Thank God. Maybe it was the school load pulling me down, or maybe it was because I was slipping into depression I cannot say for sure. I am going to be honest, there are things about myself right this minute that I am not happy about and I need to be more proactive to change those things, but I don’t feel sick and gross and lost. It is just different.

I am really excited, a dear sweet family from my church is giving me their old bed to use for however many years until they need it back. It saves them $ for not having to store it, and it benefits me because I can actually used my queen bed set the way it is supposed to be used and it won’t have 3/4 of it folded up under my twin sized mattress and it saves me $ so I don’t have to go buy one while I am trying to finish paying off school. It is so cool how things work out sometimes.

Things are still kind of tense around the house, thank God it’s not really over money any more because dad finally got a full time steady job. Now its between mom/dad and joey and his need to grow up. I’m not sure exactly what his deal is I just know he is confused about some things right now and the way he is dealing with them is either a. ignoring them and hoping they will go away or b. acting like that guy and causing everyone around him to be upset and or not wanting to be around him. He just needs to be careful and hope he does not burn any bridges in the process.

I feel like I am rambling on about nothing right now, and for the most part I am. Sometimes I really with Don was still alive so I could go back to counseling and just talk to him for a session or two. I think there were alot of things I kept hidden from him that I really needed to talk to him about and deal with, but I was so scared. I still was not sure how I felt about going to counseling, and even though he had built that rapport with me I knew our friendship was something different and it would never be the kind where I could call him up and just talk. Speaking of Don, I really need to go to his grave sometime and tell him goodbye – I never really have and I think I am still holding on to him some.

I’m not so sure…. bleh. 1 more final until Christmas break!  :)