child at heart

I am just going to warn you – this post is going to be incredibly random, I am almost sure of it.

First can I say HALLELUJAH!!! it’s finals week! Not that I could care a single bit about the actual tests, they can go hide in a very strategically placed area for all I care but, I am so excited because that means SCHOOL IS ALMOST OUT FOR THE SUMMER!!, and that means KENYA IS ALMOST HERE!! :) I mean I’m not excited or counting days or anything… (BTW: 56 days!!!)

Secondly our A/C went out a week or 2 ago… yeah wonderful I know. But its honestly not been that bad, for me at least. I have the mindset that I will be in Africa – and it’s going to be hot there and there is no time to whine about it so I’m all peachy around the house. Now if getting our air fixed means that the rest of the family *uhum – MOM* will stop complaining then good Lord lets get it fixed already. You would have thought we did not have running water or food the way they have been acting at some point… but hey I guess some people like their air.

So I have decided I am incredibly in LOVEEEEEE with our youths… or as I will write at some point *my youth* from church. They make my heart smile. I don’t know what I am going to do when I am gone from them for a month… oh yes I do – I will be playing with African babies, and reading the word with their mommies. I do believe that is a fair trade off :) but I will still miss my youths while I’m gone. I was talking with one of them the other day and was telling her how much they really do mean to me and how much the Lord is using them in my own life for rebuking and teaching. I pray that I am a good influence on them, and yes sometimes I do make little jokes and remarks with them but I pray that they see Christ through me each day and in the things I do. I really do try to be a mentor to them, as a friend, a godly child, not as an “adult”. I will always speak the truth to them, I will never lie to them or sugar coat things – but I want them to know that I do these things with their best interests in my mind. When it comes to them my only desire is that they will see God’s love in my life from my actions, not my words. I want to radiate Him in EVERYTHING I do, especially around these young people who are so impressionate. I was telling her that I don’t hang out with them because I have to – but because God has put such a desire for them in my life. It is just a serious conformation that I am supposed to work with youth and kids in my life. They truly do bless me, and I don’t think they even know it.

I am super stoked… I’m going to my old High School tomorrow to eat lunch with Loopy and Q-bert! I am so excited to go see some of those people I left behind even thought I DO NOT miss HS, just some of the people. It’s going to be so much fun for me to go visit my youth, but its good for them because I am bringing them REAL food – not the junk they serve them and try to pass off as “lunch”. I’m sure I will make a post on that soon.

I have been listening to some music by a good friend that God continues to use in my life: Sara Beth Geoghegan. I love her music and the message it speaks to me. I’m going to put some lyrics on here of some songs that really touched me, and probably some Bella Commentary about it ;) I know you are all excited, I would be too!

#1 – Beautiful Jesus

She looks in the mirror several times a day/ and each time she’s wishing that what she sees will change / and she blames God for making her that way / and now she’s comparing to what she thinks the best / her thoughts so consuming they leave her without rest / what a lovely mess / she lies down on the floor / she cannot take anymore

and she says beautiful Jesus / make me look like you / beautiful Jesus / I’m dying to be truly beautiful / make me look like you

it’s hardest at nighttime trying to fall asleep / alone with her battles she’s lying in her sheets / will she never find peace? / and then in the morning the new day brings new fears / she looks in her closet and wants to disappear / and begs God to be near / the deceiver tries to deceive her / but the healer oh He can heal her

and she says beautiful Jesus / make me look like you / beautiful Jesus / I’m dying to be truly beautiful / make me look like you

oh / cause i’ve believed everything that his ugly world says about me

I’m dying to be truly beautiful / make me look like you

This song makes me cry every time I hear it. Since HS I have struggled with my weight and my self esteem because of something so incredibly painful that happened to me my 9th grade year. I used modesty as a way to hide from other guys who would do the same thing to me, I used it as a way to hide my beauty (and even right now I have a hard time saying I am beautiful because of that pain) and the Lord used that insecurity for good. Modesty is my middle name at this point, and hopefully others see that and have that same conviction in their own life. [a post on modesty will come for another day, I have MUCH to say about that] I don’t know how many times I have felt this exact same way or how many times I have put something on and wanted to cry because of how I felt in those clothes. (This is part of why I am trying to loose weight this year, I am finally healing and moving on from that pain) Some nights even to this day I lay down in the bed at night and I cry, I think about the day and about my emotions – and yes sometimes my emotions do run my life and not the stronghold and rock of my Lord. God knows my heart, He knows my life and He knows me struggle. The deceiver on the other hand, he locks onto my pain – that wound I have and he uses that against me daily. I will see someone else that is so much smaller than me or more beautiful my heart can ache and the wheels in my mind turn and I feel like I am in a spotlight and everyone can see my scars. It is something I am working through and thank God he is patient enough to help me.

#2 – To Deserve You

She has had a very very long week / so she grabs her journal / and goes to the park / and lying underneath a gilded awning of trees / she contemplates till way after dark / and all around nature sings his adulation / in the grass she can feel rejuvenation / and she thinks

what did i do to deserve, to deserve you / and all your grace / the way you love its unheard, its unheard of / sweet savior in this place

the sun goes down / the shadows shift around / they’re changing slowly / much like her soul / but a loyal constant she has found / and he has made her whole / yes her days are distracting from her savior / but she knows every minute he adores her, he thinks

what did i do to deserve, to deserve you / and all your grace / the way you love its unheard, its unheard of / sweet savior in this place

sitting quietly in the spirits prescence / she is overwhelmed with a holy reverence / her heart is swelling, her soul convelling / she stands up and says Jesus, Jesus

what did i do to deserve, to deserve you / and all your grace / the way you love its unheard, its unheard of / sweet savior in this place

I feel this way so much, what did I do to deserve Jesus? ABSOLUTELY nothing, and how incredibly comforting is that? Maybe others don’t see that but its great to know that it was nothing my sinful, wretched self did. It was ALL God and His sovereignty. I can do nothing that Christ does not do through me, I can say nothing that God doesn’t know I was going to say. I cannot pull anything of His eyes, I can over my own but not His. How beautiful is that??

Wow through typing this post I have become filled with joy and peace. That’s amazing!