child at heart

I woke up this morning and had the distinct feeling of “I am going to hate all of today”… and so far, thats pretty much right. After much arguing last night, as well as this morning we [dad and I] finally got my taxes completed and in the mail (not quite, Dad wants to recheck them before he takes them to the post office tonight). Its not one of those I waited-until-the-last-minute-kind of thing; its more of we-have-filed-them-online-twice-now-and-they-have-been-rejected-both-times-so-we-were-in-a-mad -dash-to-do-them-by-mail-by-the-deadline-kind of thing.

Among all that stress I woke up with a certain Aunt who came to visit unexpectedly and therefore I am grumpy, and hurting and blah already, and its only 10:17am. It’s going to be a long day if I don’t get my focus in the right place and do that in a hurry.

There are many other things weighing on my mind today: Africa, Joey’s birthday is tomorrow, church, call to missions, school, counseling, papers and finals coming up, moving out [although I cannot do this right now], pets, belief, friends – and the list could go on and on. It’s not that I hate life today, or the world around me, I think it is just that my burdens are many today and they are all weighing down on me at once. What’s the reason? I have not been putting it all on God lately. As a matter of fact I cannot remember the last time I seriously prayed… I mean more than my little prayer at the end of devotion at work the other day. Those fall flat on your face, crying hysterically, not caring a thing about any one around you possibly charismatic kind of prayers. The kind that makes you have those you know Christ is there with you and HE is the only thing that sustains you each day feelings. The kind of feelings I crave and so desperately need in my life now.

I just feel trapped in myself, I am struggling with things I do not know how to explain or fix and I feel like I am moving through this life at an incredibly slow speed. Things from years ago still haunt me as well as pains I continue to inflict upon myself. I know God can fix them all and help me in ways I could never imagine a mere human could do, I just have come to the place that I do not know how to talk to God about it. I feel so incredibly guilty and unworthy in my life and cannot even make myself talk to him without feeling horrible. When I do I feel ashamed and so small and like I do not even have a right to speak His name, much less speak to him. I do not know how to speak what my heart’s cry is or what I am screaming from my soul… I just feel like I pray in a script and I repeat the same things over and over again. I do not know how to pray or have a relationship with my Heavenly Father. I am right now, as I type this, ashamed to admit that. It’s one of those things I feel but could not explain to another person fully… I just am ashamed in myself and my actions and thoughts and words and life. I am so small.

I don’t even know what I did to let myself fall so far away… possibly getting wrapped up in school and this mission trip, not meeting with my accountability partner, falling into the I said a prayer once so I’m good now kind of attitudes – but once again thats not it, it comes down to the fact that I have chosen to ignore God and his wonders for whatever momentary pleasure I think is worth it. In the end its all because of my sinfulness and pride and wretchedness. I understand that so there is no time to place blame on any other thing.

I just don’t know how to continue this post without sounding stupid and confusing people, which I am sure I will anyways. So right now I am going to do my best to cling on to the scriptures, they always have a way of convicting me and comforting me at the same time anyway.

“This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life.” -Psalms 119:50

“If the Lord had not been my help, my soul would soon have lived in the land of silence. When I thought, ‘My foot slips,’ your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up. When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul.” -Psalms 94:17-19