child at heart

I really don’t care if I sound desperate, I really need to get this off my mind. yet another person my age has become engaged…. what is so wrong with me that I cannot even get a boyfriend? I really feel a desire to have a family and children and yet I can’t even find someone who would want to go on a date with me. I am really saddened, hurt, frustrated, bitter – all of the above about the whole situation. I don’t want to get married old or get married just cause there is someone available or get married as a last ditch effort to not be alone forever. I know this sounds stupid but its not to me… this is really something that upsets me and plagues my thoughts and everyone around me starting a
new life with someone while I’m single really doesn’t help me… I’m just so pissed to be honest.

I really wish if someone knew a good, moral christian man that they would let me know… cause obviously I’m not going to find anyone from school since we have different religious views and almost all the guys from work are married so I feel like I’ve hit a dead end… I don’t know, maybe I’m being a pansy but I really am getting frustrated about being single.

I know people tell me to be patient, and good things come to those who wait or don’t look and God will bring him to you – yeah that’s good advice and all but it hasn’t made the past 2 years any easier and it doesn’t stop me from feeling bad when everyone around me is going on dates and telling their mates “I love you”. i just am becoming hopeless (and I know I shouldn’t be) I’m just feeling like its OK to get married soon… I just need that groom, or just boyfriend – I’m not desperate to get married or willing to rush into things it would just be nice if anyone that liked me would make some kind of move.

After talking to several people about it I am still feeling upset I guess would be the word to say but I am still trying to Praise Christ through it all and trust He has some awesome plan in store for me, which I know he does… I just don’t like his timing, go figure that out.  

I know this is going to look like a pity party or desperation when people read this but I do not really care right this moment. You may think its something so small to worry about and struggle with and whatnot, well some people are alcoholics, some are druggies, some are harlots – and mine struggle is feeling loved and the desire to start my own family and home. There are things that I have had to deal with in my past that other people should never have to go through (that is a story for another day, the Lord has not told me to reveal that to people yet) and I do not wish it on anyone, and because of that I struggle with feeling worthless and as damaged goods, and in a way if I don’t have a boyfriend (mind you I have been single for 2 years now) I feel worthless and the pain from that issue seeps back up and haunts me…

So I would like to think I’m not being a pansy when I want a boyfriend, its just the demon I must face. Satan knows what to do to push me and hurt me, and I am NOT strong enough to fight him. He knows what to bring up from the past, and what emotions to stir up, so I ask seriously for your prayers in this simple matter, for it is something so hard for me and Lord knows I want to be Christ honoring in my singleness but I am not… so please help keep me accountable in my singleness and in a relationship if the Lord grants me one soon.