child at heart

“We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ,” 2 Corinthians 10:5

Lord knows I need his help when it comes to his on many different levels. My mind wanders and daydreams on good things, bad things and just random thoughts that fall somewhere in between. I tend to dwell on the what ifs: What if I never get married? What if I can never have children? What if I die at a young age? What if this mission trip to Kenya doesn’t work out? And when I start down those roads I just completly fall down the slippery slope: If I never have children why do I have such a desire to have a large family? If I die soon how will my family cope? What will my legacy be? Will people miss me? What if the mission trip didn’t work out because I didnt have enough faith? What id I do not raise all the money, how could I still go? Am I really saved? etc… I wonder why I dwell on these things. Is it Satan trying to steal my worship to Christ? Is it that I do not know how to discipline my mind?

Then other times my thoughts dwell on things I do not want to remember or think about: past struggles and the pain that comes along with them (ie: Daniel, suicide thoughts, past boyfriends and the issues each one of them brought, physical compromise, emotional compromise, unrightous actions) and sometimes my thoughts dwell on them so much it causes nightmares that haunt me for days. And I wonder why my thoughts dwell on these things, is it because I have not forgiven them? Is it because I feel guilty or feel these feelings will somehow protect me from future pain?

When it comes to my mind I feel like I am caught in a prision of failures, guilt, horrible feelings, lies from satan and painful memories. Lord please help me to focus on you and you alone! Let my thoughts bring you praise and adoration and let them bring me only joy. I know until I let go of some of the pain and wash my hands of the past I will continue to dwell on these bad things, I just don’t know how to let go and move on.

 On another note I was talking to my accountability partner today and shared some things about my life that brought the mood down to serious and then we talked about some things pertaining to the mission trip. I told her right after I was saved I used to always pray I would be that person who would go overseas for mission work if I was called to, I would die for Christ if I was called to, I would remain single for life if I was called to, I would loose all my friends and seek the will of Christ only if I was called to; but now that some of those things are happening in my life I am anxious, scared, nervous, overwhelmed, confused, impatient, all of the above about it. I can’t help but think, do I have the faith for that? If I followed through on that calling would it be out of joy and obedience or would I be grumbling underneath my breath the whole time. The Lord has opened a floodgate of opportunities to me within the past year and I know he has so much in store for me but the flesh of me is so terrified. I know the life I desire will not be what I am called to live and I pray the Lord will give me patience and guidance and the strenght to do what I am called to do. I know Christ has something big in store for me and I pray it will be something so beautiful and it will show His glory to all around! Lord calm my anxious heart and help me to look only to you!