child at heart

Today has just been a day. A dear heaven please send me a boyfriend or a crush or a date or just a moment of encouragement cause I need it kind of day. I wish I could say that I don’t let the world influence me and my seemingly unending singleness didn’t mean such a big thing to me, but its obvious if you look back over my last 10 posts that it seems to be such a huge stumbling block in my life. I try to ignore the worlds view but it seems my own is so close to it that it makes my head spin. Tonight at work 2 girls who are a lot younger than me were talking about their boyfriends and how they were getting a ring very soon. How they couldn’t wait to be married and were so happy they would be there soon. Then they asked me why I was still single. That seems to be the jackpot question around me since I seem to be single voluntarily. False.

And here’s the thing I don’t understand about myself, its like I’m stuck on a roller coaster of overwhelming emotions that I can’t get off of. When I’m good and ok with being single I’m on the top of the freaking world. I can’t contain myself and I want to do everything with everyone. I have such self confidence that its not even funny. I’m me – who I see as me in my mind. But when I’m in the dumps because literally everyone in my life that I’m surrounded by is married/engaged/in a serious relationship its like the lowest I can be. I’m just heartbroken? No, that’s not really the right word. Its just this sadness I have and am not sure why I have it or where its from. Of course I still hang with my friends but when I’m in this weird rutt where I don’t want to hang with you. Or talk to you. Or hear about your boyfriends cousins sisters new engagement. And that’s such selfishness on my part. I know that and I’m sorry. I’m honestly trying to work through this weird thing I do in my head.
I don’t know, this is not coming out the way I wanted it to. I seem lately, to have a hard time figuring out the right way to verbally explain things. I’m scared I come across a lot more harsh and cynical than I really mean it and hear it in my own mind. I don’t really know what my purpose of this post is other than I felt the need to explain some things to whoever out there reads this.

b!