child at heart

*Disclaimer: I have a weird feeling inside telling me to share some things that going back to HS yesterday made me remember. It’s going to be personal in some spots, but I think it’s time to let go of them.*

Praise the Lord I am DONE with finals… Lord willing I will pass all my finals but if for some reason I do not then I will cross that bridge in August. This semester has literally kicked my butt, I don’t think I have had one anywhere near this hard since I started and I’m pretty sure they will stay like this until I graduate.

I went to my High School yesterday to eat lunch with some of my awesome youths… I got to hang out with Q-bert, Loopy and Kraut. It was amazing!! I haven’t hung out with Kraut much since her family left the view so I’ve had to do things where she is to see her more, but it’s worth it. I cannot believe Kraut along with Strawberry will be graduating this year… neither one of them seem old enough :(, specially since Strawberry is my younger brother.

By the way, here is a name decoder for those who don’t know who in the world I am talking about. Q-bert = Caleb, Loopy = Amy, Kraut = Rae, and Strawberry J[Joey] = my brother Joey

Anyways Kraut, Loopy and Q-bert toured me around the school – you know since I didn’t go there for 4 years or anything and had no clue where anything was (apparently the whole school got up and moved since I’ve been gone)…. but seriously I really liked hanging out with them and listening to them tell me how they feel being in HS, it brought back lots of memories for me but it really showed me why I love young peeps so much.

I got to talk to some of the insane teachers that meant the world to me there, mi yun [aka mrs. young], goldfish [aka mr. ballard], crazy white lady [aka mrs. tyler], sweedey [aka mrs. swedenburgh] and of course my all time favorite, L-Dawg [aka mr. lawrence] L-Dawg is the reason I am this way now…. I have never met a teacher that is so insanely sarcastic and has humor bleeding out of his ears with his students. He is the reason I could never be a teacher and attempt to be serious each day… I think he may have been serious maybe 4 times the whole time I was there. When I think about 9th grade and 11th grade I think of poor L-Dawg and the things he was forced to sit through in his class. He finally figured out that he couldn’t have me and randy in his class together, much less have us sitting together… :) fun times. I am also the reason he has put security camera’s up around his house. If you don’t know the story about when Neil, Michael, Strawberry and I went and rolled his house you are missing the greatest story of your life. I am the reason his students suffer in his class now…. yes – my legacy at BrewTech lives on!!!! I’m pretty sure if he didn’t seem a little *funny* I would have a crush on him, I just think I don’t have what it takes to make him happy. (ha – sorry that was wrong) It was kind of funny, I walked into his class room and the first thing I heard was “I have heard many stories of how you have corrupted Q-bert! You should know better”, not Hi, how have you been? or it’s great to see you, or get out of my classroom. I’m not sure what all Q-bert has told him but I need to figure that out probably…. and soon.

Anyways it was great to remember where I came from and how lucky I was to go to such a good HS… but it also made me remember why I was SO happy to grow up and get out of HS. Those years were not kind and seeing some of those classrooms brought back some things that I had hid away in my own mind. I guess its a good healing experience. I took Q-bert to a classroom that is no longer being used, I pointed him to an exact desk and told him that is where I was when the planes went into the World Trade Towers. I told him exactly what I was doing (not paying attention, who could have guessed that?) and who I was talking to on my email (my mom). It’s crazy how one exact spot in a classroom can bring back some crazy things.

I went to the corner in the court yard that Lurch [daniel] and I used to hang out in during our lunch hour… I remember standing in that exact spot crying when he noticed the cuts on my arm [the ONLY time I ever hurt myself] and I remember how he yelled at me like a friend, like he really cared about my well being… how he wouldn’t let me shy away from the reason I had felt like I needed to do that. I remember him pulling me close to himself and saying I am always here for you and I will always love you, there is no need to do that to yourself. Even to this day I can remember how much I trusted that boy and how much I believed him.

After the youths went back to their classes I walked around the halls for a brief moment seeing what else I could remember and let go of. I walked to what used to be my spanish 1 classroom where mrs. matos would try so hard to teach me that language but I just didn’t want to get it. {This is where things are going to get hard to talk about.} I remember so vividly the exact seat I was sitting in, on the right side of the room, hidden in a back corner of computers with Lurch when he touched me for the first time. I remember feeling confused about the encounter, it wasn’t inappropriate per say but it made me uncomfortable and it was deffinatly unwanted. I remember punching him in the chest and telling him to back up, but I felt like I was trapped because we were in the middle of class and I couldn’t just stand up and yell at him. I couldn’t tell you the exact words he said but the gist was that I really wanted it, I was a tease and it was nothing to be ashamed of, but it was and it opened the door for him to hurt me in ways I could never imagine. I don’t say all this to shock people, thats not my intentions, but I have been trying to work through the pain that came from things that followed that one little thing. The strange relationship I had with Lurch – a friendship that turned bad – is part of the reason I have waited this long to go back and visit BrewTech.

I hid that away for so long, I didn’t tell anyone about that or about things that followed. There were plenty of people around me who would have listened but I didn’t feel like anyone would listen… and I began to believe what all Lurch had told me. I really did want to be treated that way, I really did love him so it was okay. For God’s sake I was only 15, I didn’t know what I wanted, I didn’t know how to fix it. It was so very confusing to hide some of those things inside. Because I held things bottled up inside I began to drastically change my behavior and attitude and friends, most all for the worst. I just wanted to get away from the pain of all he had done to me. My poor parents went on a for sure roller coaster ride with me around that time… and they were so confused because they didn’t know what was going on! I am so sorry!

In a way I am so happy I went back and saw all the happy things I did. While I was walking around I was flooded with so many things that I had forgotten about HS, our Halloween costume contests, throwing things across the rooms with Vega and making our teachers think they were crazy, senior send off, and of course being the top dog and leaving HS to go into the real world. I am happy to remember where I came from and why I am the way I am. I am happy for the struggles that came from BrewTech and the confusion that I had hidden away.  Going through those things in my mind helped open some doors that I have been blocking for so long.

Once again, I’m sorry for revealing all those things to you.. I’m pretty sure some people will be freaked but I hope it helps to explain some things about me and some of the things I stand up for. I pray you will not view me as damaged goods because I have seen myself that way for so long… I am finally seeing myself as I really am, the daughter of a King, a redeemed child of Christ… beautiful. Praise God for the things He brings us out of and for the wonderful things He makes us even when we are confused.