child at heart

Do you ever wake up some days and just wonder why you are here? Ever wonder what’s the point going to be today? Is anyone going to notice me? Am I going to do anything productive or am I going to just waste another day? I cannot even begin to number the days I have woken up and felt this way, and I would go throughout the day letting Satan have a stronghold in my mind and I would believe his lies and the horrible little nothings he whispered into my ears.  I say all this because I have woken up some-days and felt like every burden of life was weighing in on my shoulders and I, like many young people my age, gave way to several thoughts of suicide. I know the twisted thoughts that come along with that territory… would anyone miss me? I bet *so and so* would have a much better life if I was not in it. How should I do it? etc… and it is a painful process to get over when you have seen the way out.

I felt so lost, like God had left me alone far back on the journey of life… I did not know how I was supposed to move on and how I was supposed to be so happy when I felt like I was falling to my doom inside every day. While there are still some days because of MY sin I have left God behind and I do feel the weight of my sin and burdens upon my shoulders and I cannot go on another minute feeling that way. Praise Adonai that he holds me and hears my cries and my pains and never leaves me alone to face them without holding my hand. I am not going to pretend I know it all and that I trust God everyday and life is all peachy… WRONG! I am so stubborn and I cause way to much strife and difficulties in my day to day life. 

“If the Lord had not been my help, my soul would soon have lived in the land of silence. When I thought, ‘My foot slips,’ your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up. When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul…. But the Lord has become my stronghold, and my God the rock of my refuge.” Psalms 94:17-19, 22 This has become my saving verse and it pours joy into my heart every time I read it. Christ has become my Saviour, my comforter, my healer and I strive for Him to be my complete life. And I cannot thank Him more for everything He has done in my life. I love everything, and I do mean everything about my life… the ups and the pits I have wallowed in. I would not be who I am today if it was not for those dark times.

I write all this to say we are humans, and we live in the world even though we strive not to and we are not capable of being perfect like our Christ. We all make mistakes, but instead of forgetting them and acting like it never happened we should use it as a way to learn and grow in our relationship with the Lord. When this trial occurred in my life in 2005 I hid it away from many people thinking they would view me as damaged goods. And I in turn felt like Christ could not do anything through me. HOW WRONG WAS THAT THOUGHT! Christ has used this already several times in my life to help someone else and I praise Him for it. I would never ask for a trial, but I love that God picks me up out of the trials I experience and makes something beautiful of my heart.